For the past year, I have felt held back from having the relationship with Christ that I know he wants to have with me. I have felt on the cusp of something more, but haven’t been able to reach it.
About two months ago, I came to a crossroads and realized that something needed to change. I wanted so much more for my life, something deeper. At that time, I felt I needed to commit to reading Psalm 63. I can’t even remember now how I stumbled upon that passage, but the way that David writes about longing for God in the desert truly inspired me. I wanted God the way that David did. So I chose to read Psalm 63 every day until I believed it to be true for me.
It’s day 50.
The past 50 days I have learned that coming to a crossroads isn’t something that happens just once. For me, I’m at a crossroads every single day. Each day I have the decision to be the kind of person God has called me to be or not. I’m almost 26, and there is no one forcing those decisions for me; it simply has to be what I desire.
I’m finally starting to accept that faith in Jesus Christ is not easy. It’s not. There are days where I don’t get it; I simply don’t understand both the wrath of Old Testament God and the grace of New Testament Jesus. There are days when I don’t understand why God allows disease, poverty, or corruption. I don’t know why he doesn’t just put a stop to it all.
But what I do know is that God has called me to a certain kind of life, a life of action. He has called me to step out in faith, trusting in him, and believe that my choices make a difference. Every day, when I find myself at the crossroads, my decisions matter. I can either choose to have the kind of real, deep faith that I believe will wreck my world, or I can sit back and wonder why it isn’t happening. The choice is mine.